Once again, you are about to get a great deal…two posts for the “price” of one! How exciting for you…
So, here it is the 11th weekend in out 200 hour teacher training ~ and that means it is our last. When I got the homework packet opened and started to read it I wept…this cannot be coming to an end. I have been grabbing moments here and there throughout to do the reading and writing and practice, but THIS time I was going to soak in all of the reading, pause and reflect, do every question, post poetic on my blog because it was my last packet and i was determined to do it right. So here I am again, asking myself “have you learned nothing?” as I sit in judgment of me, disappointed and irritated with myself for not meeting my expectations, for being less than, for making promises i didn’t or couldn’t keep. Maybe this is where “surrender” comes in?
The word itself seems to evoke a sense of darkness or dispair…surrender. I looked up the definition and the first one listed was “stop resisting an opponent and put oneself under their control.” Hmmm that’s interesting. What if that opponent is you? Your ego or judgmental self? I don’t want to surrender to that. But what if it is this other part of you that has been exposed during the past 5 months of searching? The one who knows a little about right action and thought – about the yamas and niyamas? what if i surrendered to her? what would that be like?
The next definition of interest was “surrender to – give in completely to a powerful emotion or influence.” Now that seems like a good one. What about surrendering to the Yoga? To what it can teach us about dealing with moments like this? It certainly has been a powerful influence in our lives over the past months and i would venture to guess for years to come.
Synonyms for this loaded word include give oneself up, give in, cave in, capitulate, concede defeat, submit, lay down one’s arms/weapons. No wonder this word can have a darkness about it. But what if we looked at it as heroic to lay down one’s arms? to take your gloves off in the never ending boxing match with reality?
That is what i want to do with my life and my yoga and maybe even my teaching should that come to fruition…i want to unlace and take the gloves off and be with what is real. It might be time to surrender to what is, to admit defeat, to bow to the here and now and embrace the real-ness of life just as it is with all of it’s messy imperfections.
That is what I want to be as a teacher, mom, wife, sister, worker, community member…real…present…alive…the journey is finding what is real for me in this moment.