holding on for dear life

Aparigraha – the yama or restraint that tells us not to hold on so tightly or push away so hard – nongrasping – freedom from compulsion to have (or not have?).  Could this be something that applies to me? that is something i need to “look at”?  Oh dear god it is a neon sign flashing in front of me, over me, behind me no matter where i am or what i am doing…grasping for or pushing away shoes, food, work, peace, discomfort, health, thinness, fitness, selfactualization, good wife, perfect mother, hard worker, clean house, clothes, healthy eating, exercise, wine, sleep, pain, acceptance, sanity, yoga, money, family, authenticity…  The list goes on and on and on – the things I grasp so intently for, or vehemently push away. 

Is there such a thing as healthy grasping? Good aversion? what about what Michelle said last week…if you had to accept that whatever it is that you are grasping/pushing away (i.e. elbow pain) will be like that forever and ever…what would you do about it?  how would you face that or deal with that in your life?  Can you ease the grip and if so, what happens then?  Can you stay with whatever you are pushing away with all your might?  now what?  Can there be ease or space?  I don’t know.  I find moments here and there when I can see it, but most of the time i am fighting either to hold on or push away. 

I am struggling right now to hold onto my very sanity.  I feel like I am being pulled in every direction by forces outside myself but apparently with my tacit approval.  This is the story i have perpetuated.  The samskaras or ruts are deep and worn.  I know i am tired and overwhelmed and question how i can continue in this training while working in the job i am in and be the wife and mother i have told myself i need to be.  However, I am holding tightly to the belief that i can peel away layer of story after layer of story and find a new and different space to be…and feel strongly (hmmmm?) that it is through this training that i will pull the most infected and scared layers away.  But isn’t that still a story?  is one better than another?   So is grasping to that hope or desire not in keeping with this yama of aparigraha?  In Mary’ Pafford’s writing she references a more noble holding or grasping (world peace, simple life, generosity) that can fall onto the dark side of grasping if not mindfully watched and carefully cultivated.  Couldn’t this yoga training fall into that category?

Which takes me back to the beginning of the yamas…ahimsa or nonviolence – do no harm to yourself or others, together with satya or truth – be honest as you mindfully look at what you are grasping/pushing, asteya or nonstealing of time or energy or whatever from yourself or others and lastly bramacharya or moderation in action, thought or feeling.  These are all distinct but inseparable ideas, themes or tenets that appear to provide the foundation or backdrop as we plod along this path of exploration.  Continuing to put one foot in front of the other finding our vistas to stop and breath before moving on again – that seems like a noble cause to me, DAMN IT…and I am holding on for dear life!

something to chew on…

First it does not seem possible my last post was in AUGUST…it is now October!  Life is spinning and I am barely holding on.  With that said, this is going to be a quickie but I have to comment about what I am taking away from these weekends.  Though we have talked about it in our “circle time” I have to put it in written form.  I am taken aback at the depth of absolute love and support I feel from my fellow students, Michelle, Alicia and Madeline as well.  I find it odd, to be honest, that we can be thrown together from so many different places – backgrounds, training, ages, families – yet here we are with these wounded and open hearts giving and taking from each other in little and big ways.  Our perspectives, though not the same for sure, are given earnest listening and enough space to move and twist and pull and push through our psyches to try and feel and find what all this yoga stuff means to each of us individually.  Every time without fail I am given something from this microcommunity that swirls around my mind and makes me think in a new way…to see something from another place…something to chew on.   Such gratitude I feel!!!

If this body could talk…

If this body could talk, what would she say?  What would my body tell me if she could be completely honest?  She would probably tell me that we need relationship counseling because I don’t listen to her.  She might even tell me that she would leave me if she could and find refuge in a safe house because I am physically abusive to her.  As is the pattern in a violent relationship, I would tell her I am sorry and I will listen more and I won’t do it again – this time will be different – but some how we would end up with her being hurt and me angry.  Why does this keep happening?  Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result?  Though not the brightest bulb in the box, I am not stupid, I seek knowledge about my body, I take in information about what to do to keep my body healthy and cared for, but I still seem to end up on the injured/disabled list and have to sit out yet another season facing the prospect of working my way back yet again to what I deem to be an acceptable fitness level.  The symptoms of this dysfunctional relationship – one injury after another - are merely symptoms of issues that raise their heads over and over in every corner of my life and probably why I am seeking this path as this time in this life. 

In order to be honest with my body, I first need to learn how to hear what she is saying.  I need to listen what whay my body has to say and to recognize that she is the expert as it relates to what is good or bad for her.  How do you do that?  How do you acknowledge what is being said by this amazing creature that houses your being?  She and I were not taught how to listen to each other.  Whether due to cultural messages or family of origin messages or the combination of the two, she and I heard that we were not worthy.  Not thin enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not…enough.   When what you feel is not acknowledged or is actually dismissed, the message there is that you were wrong to feel that or you shouldn’t feel this.  In order to survive, to move on, to cope you learn to disregard those feelings as they are not useful and in fact make your life more difficult.  Unfortunately, what you learn to do is to not feel.  Then you even go so far as to put other messages on top – other judgments.  You are stupid, ugly, fat, not worthy – further destroying any hopes of a reconciliation or even an amiacible coexistence.  Of course you still feel, but you loose the ability to recognize what that is…you bury or disguise or dismiss the feelings.  It is almost as if you learn a different language and then the two of you can no longer communicate – I am speaking English and she is speaking Greek. 

Feeling pain and dis-ease day after day, year after year, knowing something is not right, searching and seeking…we end up on this yogic path together.  It is not a freaky coincidence that my personal exploration for my sense of being is through what started as a physical practice…ironic it is not.  So here I am, learning to listen to my body as she tries to tell me her feelings; to listen without judgment; to allow her to ask to get her needs met – to allow her to figure out what those needs even are and then to actually ask to have those needs met. 

So in the asana practice, what is it like to be honest moment to moment?  It is foreign.  It is difficult.  At times, it feels impossible.  Keeping the judgment out and trying to really hear her feelings – not telling her she is just being lazy or to deny her yell for help when something hurts her – moment to moment maintaining the expectation that she is telling the truth and trying so hard to give her what she needs.  It is new and very different to try to identify what is being felt, what is needed.  The mental effort is exhausting.  It takes constant engagement – constant reminding myself to stay present and not to check out, to be honest.  As this process unfolds there is a hope that we will come through with a more loving relationship with each other.  Maybe I will be more caring and kind and accepting – maybe even see her as a beautiful and sensual thing – something my loving husband tells me every day with heartfelt sincerity.  Maybe she will see me as a compassionate caregiver and won’t fight against me.  Maybe we can find play and joy with each other instead of barely tolerating each other’s existence.  This will only come with mindful honesty practiced with loving kindness.

who knew?

The readings this week have been centered around Ahimsa, one of the yamas in the eight fold path which has been interpreted as “nonviolence” however, the inquiry goes so much deeper.  First and foremost you must look at what exactly violence means to you…what is violence in the context of your life, your community, your world?  the first thought in my mind was, wow, this one will be easy!  i don’t hit my kid, my husband and i have not physically assaulted each other of late, no recent claims of violence in the work place.  but this is all wrong…of course if I hit my amazing kid (yuck just thinking about it) or if my husband and i engaged in physical violence as a means of resolving conflict, we would be classified as violent individuals, but the definition…the broader meaning of violence in the landscape of ahimsa goes far beyond my small and limited view of violence.  WHO KNEW?  who knew violence would include the aggression i exhibit in my car when the freak in front of me almost clips me just to get to the exit a second before me?  who knew violence would include the rantings i let fly when my 13 year old cops that 13 yr old attitude of “you’re an idiot”?  who knew violence would include the emotional shutting down i do when overwhelmed and/or frustrated with hubby’s perceived behavior (or lack thereof?)  i am violent in my body by pushing through the pain or not taking a break when i know i am about to collapse.  So many Ted Bundy moments in MY day?  So many opportunities to choose nonviolence – who knew? 

So, i gave it a try.  My fridge stopped fridging so had to call for repair.  Of course my schedule is overbooked and not a lot of “extra” time to sit at home waiting during that 5 hour window they give you.  I got them to give me 2 hours and to call me.  i race to meetings, race out of meetings, race home, saw missed call from about 10 minutes earlier so kept trying to call with no luck.  Now i am at the end of my window period, have cancelled the meetings i was going to race to if repair person had shown up when my mind thought he should, called the place and they said he would be there soon.  Eventually, this sweaty, red faced, round bellied troll of a repair man knocks on my door.  I answer (probably with a tude since it is well beyond my mind’s window period) he is clearly pissed and angry as hell at something (feels like me because everything is about me, right?) I do the obligatory “how are you” and he actually grumbles/growls under his breath “not good”.  He starts literally tossing-on-verge-of-throwing the food from my freezer into the sink.  I could feel the reactivity rising, billowing, building…but i took a breath and thought “self, this poor man is in a lot of pain for some reason…show him gentle kindness…” so self did just that.  Loe and behold, i felt better and Grumpy turned into…well, not Happy but at least Sort-of-nicey (a little known 8th dwarf).  It was pretty amazing to see how that mindful choice made a difference in him and me.  Now, at the same time my 13 year old son was being a 13 year old pisser…i didn’t apply the same theory and ended up with an ugly interaction that left us both in pain.  One would think i would have applied the experiment to my kid and not Grumpy, eh?  Which brings me to my next very difficult acknowledgment…the thought of separation as violence.  that is what i do to the one’s I love when i feel hurt, wronged, fearful…i withdraw…i shut down and boy am i a pro!  It is icey cold and impenetrable.  I have seen it in action as my dad was the best…my twin (not really a twin but close) does it almost as well as i do…who knew that was a violent act?  Well, i bet if you asked the one’s on the receiving end of the withdrawal/separation/closing out – they would easily identify the pain and fear caused by the “act”! 

So now what? the mindful choice of the peaceful path…what other choice is there?  the hard work of staying present and watching the “hooks” as you seek to temper reactivity and at that moment of billowing, building emotion breathe into it and choose the peaceful path and don’t allow the doors to shut imposing the dark and cold and painful and ever violent separation…

it’s a start

So…the first step has been taken…a name chosen…why was THAT so hard?  the first two i chose were taken…really?  biggirlpants?  who else says that?  as in, i have to grow up and be an adult and put my big girl pants on…or, no one will want to read or care about what i have to say on a blog so why do i have to do this? put your big girl pants on and just do it!  Next one taken was seriouslynoway – again, who says that besides me?  though do they say it with the right amount of inflection and sarcasm? doesn’t really come through on a blog title, but seriously? blog? no way…why? what do i have to say? seriouslynoway.  So, third time’s a charm, right?  searching4tadasana…searching for MY tadasana…searching for my me…for my truth…for my authenticity…for my self…my feelings…what are those really?  As part of my unbelievable journey that was inching slowly along until it was pushed of the proverbial cliff this weekend – my first amazing weekend of yoga teacher training.  no parachute. no wings. no balloon.  just the fourteen outstretched arms of the women joining me on this flight of fancy (two of those arms belonging to the one who pushed me off the cliff into this dive – i love you my dear michelle) waiting to catch me in a loving embrace as i fall fast, then slow, then ever faster into awakening.